Bright Yellow Balloons
by Halsteadpd
Summary: There was life before, and then there was life after. RATED T-M
1. Prologue

**A/N: This story will deal with mature subject matter. This story is not for everyone. This story may be triggering. This warning is set for every chapter in this story.**

 **Reader's discretion is VERY STRONGLY advised.**

 **Special thanks to queseraone for editing and providing input/reactions.**

* * *

 _I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad_

 _The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had_

 _I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take_

 _When people run in circles it's a very, very_

 _Mad world, mad world_

 _\- Mad World by Gary Jules_

Everything was perfect.

No, it was beyond perfect. It was a life neither of them ever saw themselves living—yet secretly always wanted.

It had all changed sixteen years earlier. Sixteen years earlier when their baby boy—Shawn William Halstead—was born, pink cheeks and full of life. That's when life took a dramatic turn. Instead of focusing on themselves and their relationship, they needed to focus on a little boy that depended on them.

It was different. A good kind of different, but different. Both Erin and Jay had envisioned the kind of life they would want to give to their children—a life neither of them had. They would always be hands-on parents, being there for every milestone their children would have. They would support their children in whatever they wanted to do and would do anything in their power to help them achieve their goals.

So yes, life was perfect.

Until that day.

There was life before, and then there was life after. And the after was absolute hell.

* * *

 **So I've been writing this fic for a while and I have a lot of it done (explains why I don't update my other fics much) but I've been really hesitant to post. The main topic will be heavy (and likely disturbing to some) so any negative comments after this warning will result in forfeiture in this story. Thank you.**


	2. The Watch His Father Wore

**I totally forgot but glasgowgirl92 made me a playlist for this fic on Spotify! So go give it a follow at:**

 **user/kittenkat92/playlist/59Frqw1epMbdyVwZDmYPH3**

 **Special thanks to queseraone for editing :)**

* * *

"Shawn! Come down for breakfast please, the bus will be here soon." Jay turned away from the stairs and made his way back to his wife in the kitchen, shaking his head. Recently mornings had become a hassle in the Halstead home. Sixteen-year-old Shawn was definitely not a morning person, just like his mother. He used to be an early riser—going for a run with his dad every morning they could—but for some reason, he started sleeping in until the last possible minute. "I swear, he's getting lazier by the day."

"Relax, he's a teenager. Sleeping in is probably the least of our worries. I mean, if he's anything like me…" Erin made a face as she turned away from the stove—plates of pancakes and fruit in each hand—walking over to her husband. Mornings were the one time Erin enjoyed, it was the only time everyone was present, for the most part.

About six years ago, Jay had been promoted to sergeant and took over Intelligence from Voight. The team stayed relatively the same, with only a couple of additions when Erin made her big move. Instead of working past the metal gate, Erin was leading her own team in the 21st District from the third floor. A new youth division was introduced recently and the commander heavily recruited Erin to lead it.

Shawn dropped his backpack on the floor in the kitchen before seating himself at the table next to his father.

"Morning, how'd you sleep?" Jay asked, as he turned his attention to his son.

"Fine." Shawn replied shortly before digging into his breakfast, wanting to avoid conversation so early in the morning.

"We haven't gone for a run in a while, maybe if I get home from work early tonight we could go?" Jay asked hopefully.

"I'm good. Wouldn't want to pull you away from work." Shawn retorted angrily as he looked down at his watch. It was the same watch his father wore, just in white. It had been a gift for his fourteenth birthday. "I gotta go." He quickly grabbed his lunch off the counter and his bag off the floor before rushing out the front door.

"You barely ate." Jay called out, sighing deeply as he heard the door slam. He placed his fork down next to his plate before looking up to meet his wife's eyes. "Did I do something to upset him?"

"No, you didn't." Erin said, interlocking her fingers with Jay's. "Like I said before, he's a teenager. This mood and attitude is normal. You should see some of the kids I get to work with."

The moment was interrupted by a text on Jay's phone. He reached into his pocket, turning on the screen as he read it over. He smiled sheepishly at his wife before standing up from his seat. "Sorry, I gotta go."

"Don't be sorry, it's work." Erin shrugged.

"Yeah, I'm sorry for the drama though." Jay kissed Erin before swiping his keys off the counter. "I'll hopefully see you at the district. Bye."

* * *

He hated this place.

He had begged his parents to move him to a new school, that he just didn't feel right where he was. It was a Halstead family tradition to go to the King of Cross Catholic Academy. Whenever his parents asked if he was having any problems at school, for some reason he could never tell the truth.

He felt ashamed.

The son of cops couldn't handle a few bullies.

Day after day he lived through their torment. Knocking his things off his desk in one class; teaming up against him in the locker rooms before gym class; and the worst part, lunch. Lunch, where he was ostracized for eating alone or reading a book in the library. Sometimes he just ate in the bathroom—away from the crowds—where nobody could see him.

This had been going on for months now. It started in the middle of his grade ten year, and when summer arrived he expected everyone to forget about it. But when September rolled around and he was a grade older, it continued.

The teachers seemed oblivious to it, or they didn't care. There was always something happening to him.

Shawn walked down the hallway towards his locker, keeping his head down. Yesterday, he was accused of staring at one of his bully's girlfriend and the bruise that stretched across the right side of his ribs was making it difficult for him to breathe deeply. He didn't want to make the same mistake again—he wasn't sure if his body could take it.

But no matter what he did, it was always the wrong move.

He had just put in the combination in his locker and opened it—only for it to be slammed shut again—narrowly missing his fingers.

"What's up, Halstead?"

"Fuck off, Bryant."

"Excuse me?" Bryant—Shawn's worst bully—narrowed his eyes at him. "Say it again." Bryant shoved Shawn's shoulder, causing him to fall down roughly onto the floor. The fight drew attention of the surrounding students in the hallway, everyone egging on the fight. A few other boys—Bryant's friends—joined him in kicking and punching Shawn as he tried his best to block their abuse.

Shawn only felt the kicks stop when he opened his eyes and noticed a couple of teachers pulling Bryant and his friends away from him. They were trying to calm the crowd down by sending students away to their classes—including Bryant.

He never got in trouble. It was because of those rich parents of his. He could probably spray paint a giant penis on the front windows of the school and the only thing the administrators would do is give him a stern look before calling someone to clean it up.

God, he hated Bryant.

If only there was a way that Shawn could make him back off. For good.

* * *

After a late night, Jay made his way into the house and noticed that the living room was illuminated by the TV. Erin waited up for him on most nights, especially when his case was rougher than others—she could never get to sleep without him on those nights. It was the same for himself and no matter how much he tried to reassure her that he would be okay, he knew that he could never ease her worries.

She smiled up at him when she noticed his presence in the room. Jay could see the metaphorical weight being lifted off her shoulders when she had spotted him. Ever since a patrolman in their district was shot and killed on a routine call, Erin had been more on edge and was always checking up on Jay. He obviously didn't mind, but he wished there was something he could do to calm her down a bit.

"Let's go to bed?" He offered tenderly, turning off the TV and extending a hand to help her up.

"You didn't eat dinner yet." Erin protested. "Let me reheat the leftovers for you?"

"Erin, I'm fine. Ruzek went out and grabbed dinner for the team. I just want to snuggle up in bed with my wife after a long day."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive." Jay led Erin towards the stairs and they started making their way up. "I'm just gonna check on Shawn and then I'll be right there." Jay stopped outside his son's bedroom, giving Erin a quick kiss before she turned away.

He knocked softly on the bedroom door before letting himself in. The bright yellow colour of the walls always pulled Jay's face into a smile—it was such a calming colour. Shawn was sitting at his desk and faced the door when he heard the squeak of the hinges as it opened.

"Hey." Shawn said as he saw who was at his door.

"Hey, can I sit?"

"Yeah, of course."

"How was school today?" Jay asked casually as he took a seat on his son's bed.

"The usual."

Jay nodded in reply, not knowing what else to say. It felt like his relationship with his son was deteriorating by the day and he didn't know how to fix it. Jay wasn't sure what he did wrong. All of Shawn's life he tried to be a supportive and loving father—the kind that he desperately craved growing up—but maybe he didn't do as well as he thought.

"I just wanted to tell you something. If I pissed you off in some way and I'm not aware of it, I'm sorry. If there's something bothering you and you feel like you can't approach me about it, I'm sorry about that too." Jay held eye contact with his son, trying to gauge his reaction to his words. "I love you and I'll support you with anything you want to do in your life. Always."

Shawn stared at his father with a look of guilt on his face. Nothing was his fault. It was that fucking school. Maybe telling him about the bullying wouldn't be so bad. What's the worst that could happen? Shawn opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. He only managed to choke out a small 'yeah' and nodded his head simultaneously. In the pit of his stomach, he had a strange feeling. He didn't like that feeling, it felt like he was going to throw up. It was as if it was a sign. All he had to do was explain why he'd been so closed off recently and the feeling would go away.

But he couldn't.

"Don't stay up too long okay?" Jay squeezed Shawn's shoulder before making his way towards the door. "Sleep well, bud."

 _Darling don't be afraid I have loved you  
For a thousand years  
I'll love you for a thousand more_

 _A Thousand Years by Christina Perri_

* * *

 **Leave me a review!**


	3. Report Cards

**Okay, so a couple of you have told me the link to the playlist doesn't work and I didn't realize that the website would delete the words that don't have a space after a period!**

 **So you gotta go to** **open** **. Spotify user/kittenkat92/playlist/59Frqw1epMbdyVwZDmYPH3**

 **BUT PLEASE DELETE THE SPACES IN BETWEEN! It should work then :)**

* * *

It was just his luck. Report cards were being sent home that day. He knew his average wasn't going to be good—his recent test scores would be to blame.

He was struggling and he needed help. He just didn't know how to ask.

Shawn sulked home—his backpack feeling like it weighed a thousand pounds. There was no doubt his parents knew that it was report card day—they got alerts in their email. He wasn't surprised to find the house empty and quiet as he walked across the threshold of the front door. Most days, his mom would be home around five, so he was usually alone for a couple of hours.

Wanting to avoid the inevitable, Shawn threw the envelope on the kitchen island where the rest of the mail was piled. Slowly, he trekked up the stairs and dropped his bag in his room before heading for the shower. As he undressed, he noticed newer bruises beginning to litter his chest and back, different shades of blues, purples and yellows all over. Although he kept them covered, it surprised Shawn that his parents had yet to notice. There was no doubt that he limped around the house sometimes and was out of breath after walking up the stairs most days. Maybe he was playing off his pain better than he thought.

He let the hot water rain down on his body, soothing his aches and pains. The water dripping from his short brown hair mixed with the tears flowing down his face. It felt like his pain was being washed away, only for more of it to settle into his body. He didn't know how much more he could take—he was tired of it all.

Hearing the front door open, Shawn quickly turned off the water and made his way out of the shower. Wiping the steam that had accumulated on the mirror, he noticed the red blotching on his face, making it obvious that he had been crying. He turned on the tap and splashed cold water on his face a few times, hoping that it would help.

"Shawn?" Erin knocked on the bathroom door. "Shawn are you in there?" She knocked again after receiving no answer.

"Yeah… yeah, What's up?" He called out, voice muffled from the door.

"Did you eat yet?"

"Uh, no. Not yet, why?"

"I just wanted to know if you wanted a snack or something?"

"Sure, I'll be out in a few minutes."

He quickly dried himself off and gave himself a once over—checking that he looked normal—before making his way out of the bathroom and towards the kitchen.

* * *

Luck was not on Shawn's side that day.

Jay made it home from work earlier than usual. He went through the pile of mail while Erin cooked dinner. His brows furrowed when he noticed the yellow envelope and opened it immediately. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me." Jay said as he flipped through the pages.

"What?" Erin turned from the stove to face her husband. "What's wrong?"

"Shawn's report card… did you see it?"

"No, I never got a chance to ask him about it." Erin approached Jay and took the papers from his hand, skimming over them. "What the hell?!"

"Shawn! Come down here please!" Jay called out, baffled from what he had just read.

Shawn's heart dropped into his stomach, immediately knowing why he was being summoned. He wasn't sure what he would be walking into—frustration, anger, disappointment—but regardless of that, he mostly feared the consequences. The last time he was grounded, his parents made him spend an entire weekend helping his Grandpa Hank tear apart and rebuild his deck.

When he turned into the kitchen, he spotted his dad standing with his hands on his hips, a blank look on his face. His mom stood nearby, looking absolutely dejected.

"Care to explain?" Jay said after a while, rage evident in his voice. He folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the island. He watched Shawn shrug his shoulders, continuing to stare at the floor. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" Jay yelled out in frustration.

"Jay…" Erin warned as she shot a disapproving look towards him. Erin returned her attention to their son. "Honey, what happened?" Shawn didn't speak, he could only manage to look at his parents.

"You're failing EVERY. SINGLE. CLASS! How do you manage to do that?!" Gone was the loving father from the night before only to be replaced by an angry one. Jay tried to calm himself down but he knew his explosive anger could get the best of him sometimes. He had _never_ raised his voice at Shawn before. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"Have you been studying?" Erin asked, motioning for Shawn to sit down on one of the barstools. She knew at least one of them needed to stay level-headed for this conversation.

"Yes, Mom. I swear."

"Then what's wrong? Are you not sleeping properly? Is something wrong at school?" Erin worriedly surveyed her son's face, looking for any sign that he needed help. "Are you stressed?"

"Mom, no. I'm fine. It's just been tough, heavier workload and all."

"You're failing P.E. How? All you have to do is show up…" Jay said, his voice more relaxed than it was before. " _Are_ you even showing up?"

"Yeah, I am." Shawn retorted angrily, his voice rising. "It really shows me how much you trust me when you're asking me that!" He quickly got up from his seat and walked out of the kitchen.

"Shawn, stop. I'm sorry." Jay called out feebly. He could already hear the teenager making his way up the stairs to his bedroom before he heard the door slam.

Jay and Erin looked at each other and listened to the charged silence surrounding their home. It was usually filled with laughter and joy but lately things had been tense. They hardly ever fought, and when they did, fights were resolved within the hour. It was a foreign feeling to them.

Whatever had changed recently needed to be fixed.

* * *

Everything in his life was falling apart.

His grades were slipping, his relationship with his parents was strained, and god, his body hurt like hell.

After slamming and locking his bedroom door, Shawn made his way to his desk and pulled out a notepad and pen. He had thought about doing this long ago, but he held onto hope that it would get better someday.

He was just being naive.

He stared at the lined paper, not knowing what to write. There were a million things that he could say, but he decided to go with something short and simple. Just as he scribbled out his message, he heard a soft knock on his door.

"Shawn?" His father called out softly. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled." Jay waited to hear something—anything—from the other side of the door but was saddened to hear nothing. "Can you open the door?"

"No."

"At least come and eat dinner. Please." Jay begged.

"I'm not hungry."

"Are you sure?" Jay asked, hoping that Shawn would change his mind.

"Yes."

"We'll put a plate in the fridge for you if you get hungry later, okay?" All Jay got was a grunt in response before he turned away from the door, unaware of the turmoil happening on the other side.

* * *

After the final bell on Monday, Shawn stuffed all of his notebooks and textbooks into his bag. He ripped off all the pictures and articles he had taped to his locker door and left it open for everyone to see the emptiness.

His backpack evidently weighed him down on his way home so he arrived later than usual. Erin was there to greet him and ask about his day, only to get short answers in reply. They hadn't seen much of Shawn that weekend—he would sneak out of his room long after both of them had gone to sleep to get food and water, even though Erin had offered to make him some of his favourite foods.

"You look like you've got a lot of homework." Erin said nonchalantly as she noticed her son struggling with his bag.

"Yeah, well my parents think I'm a failure so I guess I should make it more obvious that I actually do go to class and study."

"We don't think you're a failure, Shawn." Erin sighed as she turned her full attention to him.

"Yeah? You might wanna make sure Dad understands that." He replied coldly. "I've got a lot of homework. I'll eat dinner when I get the time." Shawn didn't wait for a reply as he made his way to his room, and closed the door behind him, dumping his books on the floor.

He looked towards his desk where his notepad was safely stored under other books—a place where his parents wouldn't look without his permission. He was lucky that they respected his privacy. They were too busy with work to pay much attention to what he did anyway. He was a good kid, they knew that.

Maybe he would've been better off if he hadn't been so aloof about everything that was happening.

Whatever, it was too late for thoughts like that now.

 _In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule_

 _I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black_

 _And I held my tongue as she told me,_

 _Son, fear is the heart of love, so I never went back_

 _\- I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie_

* * *

 **If you haven't realized, the big event takes place next chapter. Leave me a review please.**

 **(Also, this is quite unexpected but I need to go on hiatus because my mental health isn't doing so well right now and everything is just a bit overwhelming.)**


	4. Skittles and Razor Blades

**Massive trigger warning. Read at your discretion.**

 **X**

The next morning, Shawn got ready for school as he usually did. He put on his uniform and strapped his watch to his wrist before grabbing his bag and heading down to the kitchen to get his lunch.

"Don't you need to take all those books back to school with you?" Erin asked as she noticed her son carrying what seemed like an empty backpack.

"Nope."

"Okay…" Erin drew out the word. "Do you have everything that you need for the day?"

"Yup."

"Is everything okay?" Erin approached Shawn but before she could get close to him, he was already running to the door. "What about breakfast?!"

"I'm not hungry, I gotta go." Shawn slammed the door behind him before Erin could question him further.

"Did Shawn leave already?" Jay asked as he made his way down the stairs, fresh out of the shower.

"Yeah, he didn't even eat breakfast, said he wasn't hungry." Erin replied with a hint of worry in her voice.

"He left early… did he remember to take his lunch?" Jay commented as he eyed the time. It was unusual for Shawn to be ready to leave the house on time, let alone early.

"He snatched it off the counter quickly before running out of here." Erin replied as she chewed on her bottom lip.

"Hey, don't worry. We'll have a talk with him." Jay soothed, sighing deeply as he got a text message. "I'll see you after work." He placed a quick kiss on his wife's lips before heading to the garage door and answering the text simultaneously.

* * *

Instead of walking to his bus stop around the corner, Shawn continued to walk. He walked past all the other houses in his suburban neighbourhood and headed deeper into the city. Sneaking into an alley, he waited until the streets cleared of office workers making their commute downtown and school buses that could identify him as a student at his school.

Behind a dumpster, he changed out of his uniform into street clothes—blending in with the rest of the world. He didn't know how he was going to pass time in the day. Maybe he could go to the mall or sneak back home. He just needed to avoid places where he could be recognized. He couldn't afford to get into any more trouble.

* * *

Closer to the time that Shawn was due home, he walked into a random drugstore. As he was buying Skittles, he managed to snatch a package of razor blades. He learned how to make himself blend in with the crowd and act natural—as the son of two cops, it was second nature to him.

As he paid for the candy, he slipped the package of razor blades up his sleeve. He made sure to be aware of everyone around him, checking that nobody was watching him. He left the store quickly—stuffing his change and the receipt into his pocket—and ran down the street before pulling the sharp pieces of metal from his sleeve. He inspected it through the package and ran his finger along the sharp edge. The plastic protected his skin from being sliced open.

For now.

He just needed to get home and hide them in his room without his parents snooping or asking questions about why he was so jumpy. He could tell his hands had been shaking during the day and doing anything abnormal in front of them would surely tip them off—they were trained to watch for that.

He followed his regular after-school schedule and managed to have a snack before his mom got home. Hunger wasn't something he felt often anymore—the stresses of his life kept his appetite suppressed and he would only realize of the lack of food in his body when the acid in his stomach started to burn. Sitting down in front of the TV, he mindlessly changed the channels, looking for something to watch. Just as he settled on an episode of his favourite TV show, Erin walked through the door.

"Hey." She kissed his forehead as his eyes stayed glued to the screen. "How was school?"

"Good."

"I gotta get started on dinner, I thought I'd make your favourite?" She asked hopefully. It had been a while since she had seen a smile on his face. "Then maybe after we could just chill for a bit? Together?"

"Yeah, sounds perfect. Thanks, Mom."

"Just let me know if you need anything."

* * *

His room was spotless, there wasn't even a speck of dust on any of his furniture; his desk was organized and everything in his closet was draped over hangers nicely.

 _Dad will be proud._

After dinner, Shawn knew his mom had gone to bed early that night. She had a long week and gave him and hug and kiss goodnight before turning in. His dad was due home any minute—he was working a big case with the FBI and had been coming home at around midnight every day for the past month.

Shawn opened his bedroom door quietly and peeked down the hall, wanting to make sure his mom was asleep. There was no noise coming from the bedroom so he quietly closed his door and made his way over to his bed. He reclined against his pillows and tucked his legs in with the blanket before reaching into his nightstand, pulling out the shiny piece of metal. He inspected it just as he did earlier in the day, only this time he ripped open the packaging to feel the cool metal against his fingers. He flipped it over in his hand a couple of times before running his finger over the edge. He felt the stinging on his nerves as blood immediately pooled and ran down his fingertip.

Taking a deep breath, he didn't think twice before pushing the blade into his inner wrist on his left arm, before repeating the action on his right.

He couldn't describe the pain. It was like a mixture of burning and cooling. He felt relief as he watched the red liquid pour down his forearms—like his internal pain was literally pouring out of him. Shawn's vision began to get spotty and it was getting harder and harder to keep his eyes open. When his eyelids got too heavy, he stopped fighting. His eyes only fluttered open one last time as he heard the garage door open.

* * *

Exhaustion was an understatement of how Jay felt. This case was kicking his ass and he wasn't sure if he even had enough energy to make it to his bed. He locked the car door and made his way into the house, double checking that he closed the garage.

It was dark. He knew Erin would've gone to bed without him tonight, the youth division had their own major case this week and she barely got any sleep. Slowly, Jay made his way up the stairs and towards his bedroom.

He stopped outside of Shawn's bedroom, debating on whether or not to check in on him. The light was diffracting from under the door—no doubt that he was still awake—but Jay honestly didn't have the motivation to strike up a conversation with him this late in the night.

His bed was calling his name.

He'd just have to see Shawn in the morning at breakfast.

He dropped his hand from the doorknob and quietly made his way into his own bedroom, closing the door behind himself gently.

 _All I want is nothing more_

 _To hear you knocking at my door_

 _'Cause if I could see your face once more_

 _I could die as a happy man I'm sure_

 _\- All I Want by Kodaline_


	5. Numb

**A/N: Okay, I'm the worst. I know. It's been over a year and I left this story off with a massive cliffhanger. To tell you the truth, I kinda fell off the wagon with writing and it was the last thing I wanted to do. Then summer came around and I randomly crunched out like maybe 6 chapters of this? I never got around the posting because I started thinking (and doubting this story) about another way this story could go, but I decided against going that path since I already had so much of this already written. Maybe in the future I will write another fic that is similar to this with that scenario, but for now we must experience pain. I'm so evil. If there are any grammatical errors or if something doesn't make sense, I apologize. I've been looking at this doc so often that my mind has adapted to what's written so my eyes may not notice any errors.**

 **If you ever want to reach out about anything, or if you're struggling, by all means contact me. I don't judge and sometimes all we need is someone to listen. Other than that, I again recommend you read at your own discretion.**

* * *

Jay couldn't sleep.

Something felt wrong. Did he forget to do something? Was the garage door closed? Did he check the front door? Did he brush his teeth?

He was dead tired. How was he not asleep yet?!

After adjusting his position in bed for the umpteenth time, Jay felt Erin's arms snake around his waist before she cuddled into his chest.

"Go to sleep, babe. You've had a long week." Erin's voice was deep from sleep and exhaustion.

"I'm restless, my mind needs time to wind down." Jay whispered. "Maybe I should go watch TV downstairs or something?"

"Just take some deep breaths and close your eyes, you'll be asleep in no time."

"Yeah…" Jay followed Erin's directions and in a few minutes, he could feel himself succumbing to sleep safely in his wife's arms.

* * *

"JAY!" He was in the kitchen making breakfast when he heard his wife's panicked screams. Rushing up the stairs two at a time, he stopped at his son's bedroom door when he saw Erin leaning over the bed. "Jay, please. Do something." She begged, tears flowing steadily down her cheeks.

Trying to stay calm at the sight of the scene, Jay first searched for a carotid pulse knowing it would be useless. His son's skin was pale—almost grey—he was wasting time being stuck in his stupor. Pulling out his phone, he quickly dialled 9-1-1. "This is Sergeant Jay Halstead, badge number 51163. I need an ambulance at my house ASAP!" He yelled into his phone, sense finally coming to him as he tightly held onto Shawn's right wrist.

"What's the nature of the injury?" The dispatcher asked.

"My-my son. He slit his wrists. _Please_ just hurry." He pleaded. His heart was beating hard—it was the only thing he could hear other than Erin crying.

Everything after that was a blur.

The paramedics arrived with a stretcher, quickly getting Shawn onto the backboard and then into the ambulance. Both Jay and Erin piled in, watching the paramedic perform chest compressions over and over again while keeping an eye on the heart rate monitor, flatlining. The ride to the hospital felt agonizingly long, the seconds going by feeling like hours. There was a look in the paramedics eyes that made Jay want to throw up—he knew he had had that look in his own too many times.

The doors opened abruptly and the stretcher was pulled out of the ambulance quickly. Looking up, Erin noticed Will and Natalie hopelessly standing and watching Dr. Rhodes take over compressions.

Once they had gotten into the trauma bay and Shawn was attached to heart rate monitors, there was a heaviness that filled the room.

"He's asystole." Those words stopped Connor from continuing compressions as he hesitantly looked around the room filled with his team. He couldn't bare to look at Jay and Erin who stood outside of the exam room.

"Does anyone object?" The silence that filled the room was enough of an answer. "Time of death…" He looked down at the watch on his right wrist. "7:31." In his periphery, he saw Erin collapse, only to be held up by both Jay and Will. When Rhodes finally looked over, he noticed the blood on both Jay and Erin's clothing and hands. There were tourniquets placed on both of Shawn's forearms—helping to staunch any blood that he had left in his body—and judging by the cloth material used, it was evident that Jay had tied them.

Peeling off his gloves, Dr. Rhodes approached Jay and Erin with a sombre expression. "I'm sorry." He put his hands in his pockets before walking away, Erin's pleas and screams for them to do something—anything—to bring her baby back to her.

That sound would haunt him for days, he was sure of it. He couldn't wait to get home to wrap his arms around his own children that night.

* * *

They sat stoically in the plastic seats at the hospital surrounded by their family and teams. The nurses were preparing and settling Shawn in a room so that they could say goodbye before the autopsy would take place.

The temperature in the room dropped as Dr. Rhodes made his way towards Jay and Erin. They were still covered in blood, neither of them had the energy or desire to stand at the sink and wash away the last part of their son they currently had left.

Connor cleared his throat to gain the attention of the couple and when he noticed everyone's eyes on them, he led Jay and Erin to a more private area. He really didn't want to tell them about what he had learned. This was the worst part about being a doctor—having to deliver news that would absolutely crush the family.

"Jay, Erin. I'm sorry but there's no easy way to say this." Dr. Rhodes took another deep breath before continuing. "On Shawn's body, there is evidence that he sustained abuse." He couldn't bare to look at the emotion on Erin's face, so he maintained eye contact with Jay. "We have an autopsy scheduled even though we know that it's not the cause of death."

"H-how do you know? That he was _abused_." Jay spat out as if the word was toxic. "We never put our hands on him!"

"Hey, I know. But there is a lot of bruising on his upper body that needs to be investigated." Connor wasn't done. "One more thing. There was evidence that Shawn tried to stop the bleeding on his own." Dr. Rhodes rushed out.

"What?!" Erin said, her voice clouded with emotion. "What does that mean?"

"In one of his lacerations, we found a crumpled up napkin. It looks like he was trying to stop the bleeding. He likely passed out too quickly to make a difference though."

"Wh-what time did he—" Jay left the sentence up in the air as he searched Connor's face for any cue that this was all some kind of sick joke.

"We're not sure, but based on the amount of blood loss, I'd say in the late hours of the night. Sometime after midnight."

Jay felt as if someone was squeezing his chest. He couldn't get any air in or out of his lungs. He knew he should've checking in on Shawn last night. _I'm such an idiot. It's all my fault_. As he turned his head to look over at Erin, fresh tears were making their way steadily down her cheeks. He knew he'd have to tell her eventually, but now wasn't the right time. Right now, he needed to stay strong for his wife.

 _I didn't know today would be our last_

 _Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast_

 _I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore_

 _Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door_

 _And tell me that I was only dreamin'_

 _You're not really gone as long as I believe_

 _Jealous of the Angels by Jenn Bostic_

 **XXXXXX**

 **Don't forget to review ;)**


	6. The Closed Door

The drive home from the hospital was quiet. After Dr. Rhodes' news, there was a new heaviness on the couple. They got to see Shawn one last time before leaving the hospital, the support from their colleagues and friends falling on deaf ears.

There was nothing that could make this better.

Once Jay and Erin had arrived home, the strong scent of iron in the air had both their stomachs turning. Erin immediately made her way up the stairs, with Jay following soon after. He found her lying down on Shawn's bed, tears in her eyes.

Blood soaked the sheets and carpet, but neither of them seemed to pay attention to that. The room felt so empty. Everything was neat and in its place, a concept that had seemed so foreign to Shawn. His room was always a mess—clothes everywhere, books strewn haphazardly on his desk—it grinded Jay's gears all the time.

He wished he could have that all back.

Slowly, Jay made his way over to Shawn's bedside table and picked up the white watch. It matched his black one and he thought Shawn would've liked it since he had seen him staring at the black watch around his own wrist multiple times. Jay smiled as he looked down at the accessory, the joy on Shawn's face when he'd opened his present was something permanently etched into his mind.

Next to the watch was a notepad, a scribble of words written across the top page. Jay's eyes were instantly drawn towards them. Tears quickly made their way down his cheeks as he read the words over and over again. He read them until the tears made it impossible to decipher the black ink lettering.

 _I can't do this anymore_.

* * *

Even though the sun was shining bright and there wasn't a cloud in the sky, everything was dark. They didn't know what to do.

Everything from that morning had been left how it was.

The table was set for three, a bowl of fruit salad in the middle. Glasses were filled with now warm orange juice while the pancake batter was sitting on the counter near the skillet, ready to be poured.

The coffee was no longer fresh, yet the smell wafted throughout the house, a vague attempt at trying to cover the overwhelming smell in the air.

But neither Jay or Erin could think about any of it.

After a few hours of being in Shawn's room, they couldn't take it anymore. Erin had quietly made her way into the ensuite, turning on the shower to the hottest temperature her skin could take. Jay followed a few minutes later, softly shutting the door behind him. He didn't want to see anything in that room. He just wanted his baby back.

He could hear Erin sobbing in the shower—he had listened to her sniffle while she laid in Shawn's bed all afternoon. He seriously didn't have the energy to comfort her right now.

Slowly, Jay made his way downstairs and sighed deeply as he looked around. Every little thing reminded him of Shawn. The jacket thrown carelessly across the couch. The gaming console set up under the TV. The pictures on the mantle. He sat down on the couch, his eyes glazing over as he looked at the memories of his family's life. There was a couple of photos from his and Erin's wedding day; some from Shawn's birthdays; and of course, pictures of the original Intelligence team around them from the day Shawn was born.

He didn't hear Erin come down the stairs but when he felt the couch sink to his left, he quickly blinked the tears away. For the first time since that morning, Jay looked at his wife.

Her eyes were swollen and her cheeks pink. The tip of her nose was red and overall her complexion didn't look healthy.

She didn't look happy.

But why would she be? Her entire life is gone.

Her eyes settled on the pictures Jay had originally been looking at before fresh tears made their way back into her eyes.

Finally, Jay offered her the comfort she needed, wrapping his strong arms around her before bringing her into his chest.

"Did we do this to him?!" She cried, her voice at a tone Jay had never heard before. "Were we too hard on him?!" Jay opened his mouth before shutting it again, not trusting his voice to work. "God dammit Jay, fucking answer me! Were we too busy with ourselves to think of our own fucking child?!"

"Maybe we should've gotten him a tutor instead of yelling at him." Jay said, his voice cracking. He knew he was grasping at straws, but some part of his brain was telling him that getting upset over his report card marks pushed Shawn over the edge.

He's not sure how long they spend cuddled up on the couch together, but when Erin's breathing got deeper, he carried her to their bedroom, past the closed door. He was glad she found some semblance of peace behind the darkness of her eyelids. She really needed it.

Unfortunately, he knew he wouldn't be able to find the same peace. He carefully sat up in bed and listened to Erin's breathing as she slept.

24 hours ago, he had been caught up in work, too busy to think about what Erin or Shawn were doing.

22 hours ago, he made the choice to walk away from his son's bedroom door.

15 hours ago, his son was pronounced dead.

He finally let the tears slip. They quickly sluiced down his cheeks as he tried to hold in his sobs. Not wanting to disturb his sleeping wife, he made his way into the ensuite—shutting the door behind him—before fully letting himself become engulfed with his emotions.

 _I'm sorry that I let you down_

 _Let you down_

 _All these voices in my head get loud_

 _I wish that I could shut them out_

 _I'm sorry that I let you down_

 _\- Let You Down by NF_

 **XXXXXXXXX**

 **Please leave me a review!**


	7. Empty

Eating breakfast proved to be a difficult feat the next morning. The old coffee was dumped and a fresh pot was brewed. No food had been consumed, their appetites still suppressed from everything they had gone through the day before.

It was like they were hungover—their bodies and heads ached; the smallest sound hurt; and they both desperately craved sleep.

At one point during Jay's emotional episode last night, he had wandered back into Shawn's room, convinced that it was all a dream. But the blood was all there, along with the smell. He ended up falling asleep against the wall in his son's room, the bright yellow walls no longer serving their purpose.

After they each had some caffeine coursing through their veins, Jay and Erin got into the SUV and made their way to Shawn's school. They wanted to clean out his locker as soon as they could—hopefully there would be evidence in there of why he did it.

The ride to the school and walk to the principal's office was silent. They sat on the couch in the office, waiting for classes to start in order to have some privacy while they went through their son's possessions.

The principal had offered her condolences on behalf of the school before leading them to the hallway with Shawn's locker. She put in the code and slightly opened the door before stepping back.

With a bit too much force, Jay slammed the locker door open, not wanting to delay the matter any longer. He was surprised to see the lack of belongings and personal memorabilia that many teenagers—including himself—usually had.

At the sight of the empty locker, Erin turned on her heel and made a beeline towards the exit, only to be halted by Jay's gentle hand on her arm. When she turned to face him, the tears choked her words. "He was so sure of it that he cleaned out his locker days ago and I just thought he had extra homework." Jay brought her into his chest, attempting to soothe her by rubbing her back. It usually worked, but he knew nothing would work at a time like this.

He's not sure how long they stand there, but he hears a bell, and soon the hallway is littered with teenagers. Everyone's eyes are on them and he can hear all the whispers. He doesn't like the pitying looks thrown his way, and he doesn't miss the eye rolls and giggles from a select few. He takes note of their features—they seem to be the popular clique of the school.

Slowly, he leads them away from the crowd and out of the school, towards their car.

* * *

The autopsy had been scheduled for that morning while they were at school, so they went straight to the hospital, wanting to be close to their son. They sat for what felt like ages in those plastic chairs again before Dr. Shore (now married to Dr. Rhodes) made her way out to them. She took them to a private room to explain her findings.

"So the obvious cause of death was loss of blood." She started with a sigh. "There was also injuries sustained to his body that is consistent with repeated trauma. I've included it into my report that it could've been from playing a contact sport—"

"He didn't play any sports." Jay replied coldly. "He stopped a year ago."

"Okay." Nina breathed deeply again. "It could be caused by a number of things. There were multiple bruises on his chest and back. One of his ribs was also bruised, and there were two others that had small cracks…" Both Jay and Erin seemed to tune Nina out, not wanting to listen to the torture their son had been through. "... his injuries are consistent with physical abuse."

That seemed to snap their attention back onto Dr. Shore's words.

They had both been hoping that Dr. Rhodes' words from the day before were false. Only the autopsy would confirm it. Everything else was circumstantial.

As Erin and Nina spoke more in detail, Jay's mind was elsewhere. Who would dare put their hands on Shawn?! He was the son of two cops for fuck's sake! He didn't have to think hard—his mind immediately went to the group of teenagers looking at them and smiling when they were back at the school.

He should've known.

It happened to him in high school.

How could he have been so blind to it?

 _Here comes the rain again_

 _Falling from the stars_

 _Drenched in my pain again_

 _Becoming who we are_

 _Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day_

 **Please leave me a review!**


	8. The Watch His Son Wore

They both returned to work after that. Erin mindlessly sat at her desk, watching her team work on their current case from her office.

She was the sergeant for the youth division in one of the biggest cities in the United States yet she was too blind to notice the turmoil her son lived in. He was being abused by someone and she didn't notice!

 _Should I even be doing this job?_

Her thoughts were interrupted when Adam Ruzek knocked on her office door and let himself in. She wasn't in the mood for having a conversation, but she knew Adam wouldn't leave her alone in a time like this.

He had transferred over to the youth division with Erin—being her right hand man—while Kim stayed with Intelligence. He and Kim were the first two people to find out about Erin's pregnancy almost 17 years ago, when Jay and Erin had asked them to be Godparents.

Adam closed the door behind him—giving them some privacy—and sat down in one of the chairs opposite her desk. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say, but he knew that Erin needed someone to lean on.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before she broke the negatively charged tranquility.

"You know he was being abused?" Her watery gaze made eye contact with Ruzek's stunned one. "He had cracked ribs and we didn't even know." She tried to gather herself, but failed. "H-how am I supposed to call myself an ally with youth when I didn't even see what was going on under my nose?! How am I supposed to do my job after this?!" She was hysterical now. "H-h-how…" She didn't finish her question as she felt Adam's arms wrap around her. She cried into his chest, surprised that she still had any tears left.

* * *

Jay sat in his office, ignoring everything going on beyond the door. His eyes were focused on his computer, going through records of students at the school. He didn't get all this information in the most legal way, but he didn't care. He needed to get some names.

He looks down at the white watch around his wrist—the one he had gifted to his son—before shaking away the memory of that day and returning his attention to his research.

Intelligence had been working a very high profile case for the last month and needed all hands on deck. They were close to solving it, with the FBI's help. Jay ignored the hustle and bustle outside his office and didn't even notice that everyone had hastily vacated the bullpen.

It wasn't until Commander Platt knocked on his door later that evening that he noticed that the sun was no longer in the sky. He stood as she let herself into his office and sat down after she had taken up one of the seats in front of his desk. They didn't speak for what felt like the longest time—he couldn't find any words.

"Halstead, you need to go home." Platt said calmly. Her eyes flicked down to the accessory around his wrist before meeting his gaze again. "Take some time. Be with Erin."

"I'm good." Jay stated flatly.

"Jay, you need to get your head in the game and right now, you're not doing anyone any favours by being here."

"I-I don't know what else to do." He quickly blinked away the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. "This is all I have left."

"Right now, you need to take time to grieve. Intelligence should be the least of your worries." Platt stood up, signalling that there was to be no conversation on the matter. She watched Jay slowly stand up and exit his office, his head hanging down. As Platt watched him leave, she debated on whether telling him of the news she heard. She knew it would crush him, but better that it came from her instead. "Jay…one more thing." She waited until he turned around and made eye contact with her. "Both you and Erin are being investigated for Shawn's death."

* * *

The blood was still there.

Neither of them had called a carpet cleaning service yet.

As soon as they had gotten home, Erin made her way to Shawn's room again. She stood in the middle, looking around at her surroundings. It was the last place where her baby had been alive.

Everything had been cleaned up and put in it's own space. Usually, his room looked like a tornado had gone through it.

Another sign she had missed.

She sat down on the bed and opened the top drawer to his bedside table, intending to find out why her son was in so much pain. Inside, she rummaged through his belongings. Right on top of the pile was a package of half-eaten Skittles, along with the packaging that housed the matching, unused razor blade. She took a hold of it, feeling the cold metal in her fingers. Just as her son had done. She flipped it around a couple of times before softly placing it down on the hard surface of the table. Her eyes were drawn to something colourful under a few pieces of paper and she pulled it out of the drawer.

The tears she had been holding back fell freely down her cheeks as she looked down at the image. It was a picture from when Shawn was eight years old.

He was missing his two front teeth but he smiled wide for the camera, with both Jay and Erin on either side of him. She remembered that day like it was yesterday. Shawn and his soccer team were playing for a gold medal in the city's finals. He had a medal around his neck that was so long that it reached his hips and was proudly holding a trophy. He scored two goals that day and had been _so_ excited.

Jay entered the room when he heard Erin's cries. It had felt like forever ago when he last saw her dimples and the light shining in her eyes. Cautiously, he approached her and sat down next to her on the bed, looking at the photo in her hand.

He wished for anything to go back to that day. Life had seemed so simple back then—it was happier.

"How did I not know? How did _we_ not know?" Erin begged her husband for an answer.

Jay sighed deeply as he ran his fingers across his forehead. His throat felt raw and dry, words barely making their way out his lips. "I don't know, babe. I don't know."

 _Be my friend, hold me_

 _Wrap me up, enfold me_

 _I am small and needy_

 _Warm me up and breathe me_

 _Ouch I have lost myself again_

 _Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found_

 _Yeah I think that I might break_

 _Lost myself again and I feel unsafe_

 _Breathe Me by Sia_

 **Please leave a review!**


	9. Stay

Jay straightened his black tie before pulling on his blazer over his crisp white dress shirt. He walked out of the bathroom towards his polished dress shoes, making note of Erin pulling on her heels.

He never imagined a day like this—a day where he would be getting dressed for his son's funeral.

Parents aren't supposed to bury their children.

Quietly, he made his way down the stairs and waited for Erin to finish getting ready. They had barely spoken to each other the past few days, there seemed to be nothing that needed to be said. While he waited, he grabbed the umbrella they kept in the closet near the front door. It reminded him of his mother's funeral—it rained that day too.

The ride to the cemetery was filled with Erin's occasional sniffles and it pained Jay that he couldn't do anything to help. He reached his hand over the console towards her own, squeezing it gently. He hoped it would bring her some semblance of solace.

They were the first ones to arrive meaning they got the closest parking spot to where the funeral would be held. Slowly, they walked hand in hand towards all the chairs being set up. The hole in which the casket was to be lowered had already been dug, the dirt piled neatly next to it.

There was no headstone.

Unexpected deaths meant that the headstone wouldn't be ready for a few months.

Jay sighed deeply. He wasn't sure if he could do this. He didn't want to be there.

* * *

It was nice having people over at their house afterwards. For the first time in what felt like forever, it wasn't quiet. Their guests made quiet conversation and ate from the assortment of food. Their dining table was full of flowers and cards, but they honestly didn't want them. They didn't want any of it.

The one thing they wanted would never come back.

Jay looked over towards the large bay window where Erin stood with a glass of red wine in her hand. There was nobody else around her and he wasn't surprised—everyone was walking on eggshells around both of them.

When he approached her, he noticed that her eyes lingered on the neighbours kids playing a game of soccer. Jay's heart broke at the sight—but it wasn't from only witnessing his wife. His memory went back to the photo Erin had been holding the other night.

Slowly, Jay approached Erin, clearing his throat slightly to make her aware of his presence. She didn't turn around, but she knew he was there. He walked up next to her, also watching the kids playing. He wrapped his arm around his wife—feeling a little bit content as she snuggled into him—as they both blocked out the noise around them.

* * *

It had been a few days since the funeral and the emotions in the Halstead house were strained.

Jay and Erin seemed to bicker more often, and it wasn't their usual playful banter. Every little thing seemed to tick off the other person, they had never been so impatient with each other. There had been a lot of fights lately, and they both knew the tension was being reflected at work—whenever they could sneak back against orders.

On a night off for the both of them, Jay cooked some pasta while Erin sat at the breakfast bar, drinking a beer. Her eyes burned the back of Jay's head, and he could feel the wheels turning in her head without even turning around. He was hesitant to ask her what was on her mind considering anytime they had talked lately, they fought. So he kept quiet and stirred the tomato sauce in the pan.

There were a few more minutes of silence, before Erin broke it.

"You know…" Her voice was raspy—tired. "If we didn't work so fucking much, maybe he'd be here right now."

Jay picked up his head slightly, alarmed by her confession. He had thought about that over and over again. Maybe if he wasn't a cop—or a sergeant—he would've been able to give his son the time he wanted—needed. He let a sigh escape from his mouth before turning off the stove to face his wife. He wasn't going to say anything. There was nothing for him to say that would comfort her.

"When we first started dating, you always mentioned how your father never took the time to get to know you—to spend time with you. You were afraid of being like him." There was anger laced in Erin's words. She knew she was taking it out on the wrong person, but Jay was an easy target right now. He was vulnerable. "And for some fucking reason, I convinced you that you wouldn't be. That you'd be amazing. What happened to that, huh?"

"Erin…" Jay replied weakly, hurt by her words.

"I never wanted kids." She shook her head, willing the tears to go away from her eyes. "But you always wanted to be the knight in shining armour. You convinced me differently. Well look where it got us. We're just as bad as the people who raised us. No, we're worse. We actually survived. Our kid is _dead_." Erin finished off her beer in a gulp, slamming the bottle down on the countertop. She was surprised it didn't shatter in her hand. "It's all our fault that he's dead." Her last words were whispered out.

"You know, the night he died?" Jay asked, tears already making their way down his cheeks. "You were fast asleep. Oblivious to what he was going through." If she wanted to hurt him, why couldn't he? He wasn't going to be her punching bag when he was already beating himself up over everything. "He was going through all this pain and you had no idea. But you want to know what's worse? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S BEEN FUCKING EATING ME ALIVE EVERY BREATH I FUCKING TAKE?! HE SLIT HIS WRISTS AT MIDNIGHT AND I COULD'VE HELPED HIM IF I WENT INTO HIS ROOM THAT NIGHT! But I didn't." His voice softened. More tears slucied down his cheeks. "I didn't because I just wanted to get into bed and go to sleep. I was too tired to check in on him." Stubbornly he wiped away his tears, anger seething out of him. "I didn't even fall asleep right away. Remember that? It was something telling me to get my ass out of bed. I had so many chances to go into his room and see him. But I didn't. It's my fault he's dead."

"Jay…" Erin had been surprised by his confession. She didn't know he had been carrying that guilt within himself. She felt like a total ass. "I'm sor—"

"No. You don't get to say you're sorry. I need some space from you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Erin asked, her voice breaking.

"I'm gonna go check in to a hotel. I don't want to be here—not when I have to walk past his room everyday, not when you're being a _bitch_. I'm grieving too, okay? Get that through your fucking head." With that statement, Jay stormed upstairs and quickly packed a duffle bag and grabbed all his necessities.

All Erin could do was sit on the couch, crying, before watching him leave through the door. The sound of the door slamming immediately triggers a memory from her childhood. She can remember the back of her father's head after he left her and Bunny after a drunken tirade. That was the day that Erin vowed to herself that she would never marry a man like her father—she didn't want her man to walk away when things got hard. She wanted a man that would unconditionally love their children; a man that would take care of everything.

Maybe her time to have that had run out.

 _He never walks away_

 _He never asks for money_

 _He takes care of me_

 _He loves me_

 _Piece by piece, he restores my faith_

 _That a man can be kind and the father could, stay_

 _Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson_

 **XXXXXXXXXX**

 **I know I should've posted something else especially with all the stress going on in the world, but I wanted to update my fics as much as possible. Please don't hate me too much! Please leave me a review!**

 **P.S. Wash your hands and stay home!**


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